Do people tell you about other people whom have died from ca

Over the past few months, Janet has become increasingly upset by people, seemingly in all innocence, who tell her about their friend, or mum, or friend of a friend, who had cancer, went into remission, but it came back 5 years, or 10 years, or 15 years later, and they died.

Today, a lady who we like, who is 80 years old, and who is terminally ill with bladder cancer, told Janet that "once you have had cancer cells in your body, you can never get rid of them, and they WILL come back. It is a matter of when, not if".

This woman is the sprightliest, cheeriest 80 year old you could ever wish to meet. She also used to be a nurse at Christies Hospital, (presumably quite some time ago). She is a lovely lady and I am sure that she would not intentionally want to frighten Janet.

This has really worried Janet, even though rationally, it seems more sensible to believe the statistics which say that most people survive breast cancer these days.

So.....

How do you deal with people who insist on telling you things you neither want, nor need, to hear, about people who have died of cancer? particularly when you obviously cannot identify who is going to do it in advance, and therefore warn them off.

Also, how true can it be that once you have had cancer cells, they will always come back - and how can I reassure Janet that this ladys' opinion is wrong, and out of date?

Richard wrote << Where can she go to hear tales of women who have had breast cancer and lived to 100 - or 70, or 80 ??>>

I met several on the 3-day walk who were long-term survivors. My aunt is a 22 year survivor. My friends mother (who is now deceased) was close to a 40 year survivor.

If I had to vote on "best answer" to Richard's e-mail, I would definitely pick yours- it brightened my day. As one who is coping with the beast (breast cancer) I can use all the lightening up there is out there! And, of course, you made a very valid point wrt the old age. Thanks!!!

It seemed to me that as I approached 50, death came into my life. Prior to my wife's illness I had hardly encountered serious illness among my acquaintances. Then a year after my wife died, my best friend died (bowel cancer), and my wife's best friend's mother in law died (breast cancer), and it seems that everyone was telling me about their friends and relatives who had or had died of cancer.

Did I want to know? Of course not, but I'm afraid it comes with the turf.
Just the same as everyone wanted to tell my Russian wife whenever there was a documentary about Russia on the television. "Yes" she said, "I've been there, I've seen it."

I'm sorry I can't be more helpful, but I think it is another of the things you have to learn to cope with. Think of it as part of growing up.

As to your 80 year old, I would say that not only is she right but I would go one step further and say you don't even need the cancer cells. I doubt if there is an 80-year-old on the planet who has not got some sort of cancer going on, slowly and quietly in the background, that they never know of.
For all of us it is not a matter of "if" we will die but "when", and the same applies to cancer, the only way we escape it is to die of something else first.

So there is no need for her words to frighten Janet unless she thought she was immortal, and I am sure she did not mean to frighten her.

We use words like "survive", "cure", "save" loosely, as if once cured of cancer we can avoid it happening again, as if a life once saved will never be lost. Unlike say, measles, cancer can come to all of us at any time, whether we have had it before or not. And those of us who have had it once, quite apart from possible metastasis, have demonstrated a probable propensity for producing cancers and so are at higher risk of getting it again just for that reason.

Richard I had another thought re (Richard wrote << Where can she go to hear tales of women who have had breast cancer and lived to 100 - or 70, or 80 ??>>

What helped me was watching the TV biography of the Lance Armstrong story.
That gave me the impetus to sign up for the Susan G. Komen breast cancer 3-day.
Another thing that helped me was the book, KITCHEN TABLE WISDOM, by Rachel
Komen. Now, believe me--and am sure you may be able to surmise from the many posts re my fears, that I still think breast cancer sucks and am concerned about what is happening to me. I write about it here when it happens. I am able to forget--most times--when I feel good. Getting involved in other things helps, but all the stuff that I have done online has helped even more. Perhaps it would help Janet if she started writing here or to another online support group?

Thanks again to all. I hope there will be more reports of long life after BC.

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Hi Richard,
I don't qualify for the 70-80 year ld thing, but I am now a 20 year survivor. I was 35 at the time of my diagnosis. I am thankful daily that I have been in reasonably good health since then.

Wishing your wife many, many years of good health too.

It remains a tough one. Thanks to those who have replied. I guess there is no easy answer.

Janet listens like you do, then gets annoyed, and rants after the event.
She usually commits to tearing a strip of the next person to do it - but doesnt.

Where can she go to hear tales of women who have had breast cancer and lived to 100 - or 70, or 80 ??

<< How do you deal with people who insist on telling you things you neither want, nor need, to hear, about people who have died of cancer? particularly when you obviously cannot identify who is going to do it in advance, and therefore warn them off.>>

Hmm, that's a tough one and my response is emotionally not always the best. i don't have the nerve to tell them that is not what i want to be hearing---at least most of them. Generally, I listen politely and internally discredit them. There is so much they don't know. Generally, the people who have said these things are not those with the highest SQ or EQ (social quotient or emotional quotient) and have their own emotional baggage--at least the ones that I have encountered.
I can't recall the exact figures--but if I remember correctly about 200,000 are dx'd with breast cancer each year (in the U.S., I think--but could be wrong about that) and about 46,000 to 50,000 die from breast cancer each year.
However, the %age of those who are not surviving is decreasing, meaning that those more recently dx'd generally have an improved chance for longer term remission.
My husband used to do cancer research. His feelings are that once someone has enough cancer cells in their body for cancer to be dx'd then there are always or at least almost always some remaining cancer cells or the propensity for your body to creat more since the mutation is there. From what I gather those who have the best chance for cure are those whose cancer was discovered in its earliest stages.
However, that does not mean a bleak or even negative outlook for others.
Researchers are working on how to extend remission for different cancers.
Hopefully that will include breast cancer.
I wish I had some constructive answers but each of us is different along those lines. What has helped me is being proactive--which includes finding out as much as I can about b.c. Other things that have helped have been me is being involved in related, positive activities--i.e. doing the Susan G. Komen 3-day breast cancer walk as well as participating in the American Cancer Society's 'Relay for Life."